Do you ever marvel

at how stupid you actually are? I find myself in constant shock in relation to my lack of intelligence. I'm not smart. I like music and movies. I love to read. And my biggest wish in the world is not be here/hide away for the rest of my life with my movies and music and books. Now, some people are just meant to be intelligent. Other aren't. I mean someone has to be average. I guess that's me. Average grades, no discernable unique qualities, average looks, average everything. I'm the kid that people look at and go, "Atleast I did better than her....sucks for her....". As I look around me, people I know have found things they excel at.

The only thing I semi excel at is makeup. WHOOPDIE FRICKIN DOO. That's a good life skill right there. This is even being down on myself, like YOU tell me that 70s and low 80s aren't average. YOU tell me how it is evident that I do excel at sports, art, writing, etc. BAHAHAH what a joke.

Hell I don't even have a personality. People may say, 'Of course you do!'. Oh really? Try and describe without the words loud, talkative, center-of-attention. It's damn near impossible. Do people know that I'm actually quite shy? And that maybe the reason I talk so much and so loudly is because I don't WANT people to like me. I want them to think I'm annoying. And they do. They really do. Its easier to be alone and do what makes my head happy, and my colors happy.

You could know me forever, but you don't me at all. For example, very few know that I was put in a crazy house for a week. Nobody knows that I am really a waste of skin who can only find life in the creations of others.

In the end, I'm glad nobody likes me. Because what's the point anyway?

Bobby Jindal sucks

He just...does...
He is trespasses on so many levels of fail, it's almost incomprehensible.
OH and he's an ass.
Also, the season finale of House was fekkin AWESOME. It's actually was a pretty big shocker.

History can go die

Along with teachers.
I feel weird. In a bad way.
I think I'm going to have a manic episode.
Joy.
Well actually, yes. Manic episodes are awesome. It's what comes after that sucks balls.

Wellbutrin is not my best friend

Also, Depakote apparently can cause severe birth defect in my future children. WHOOPDIE DOO. It's not like YOUR CHILD WILL BE BORN WITHOUT A BRAIN (anencephaly, which i advise you not to google because the pictures are disturbing). But it increases the likelihood of birth defects by ten times.

Speaking of anencephaly, this is a heated topic but most women abort babies who, I don't know, are MISSING THEIR FEKKING SKULL CAP. And their frontal lobes. Yes every life matters, but if a child does not have a frontal lobe, it won't survive for more than a few hours. The longest a baby has survived in maybe three days (with the exception of Baby K). And like I said, if you did google, it's disturbing. The child will not only never have a conscious existence, but will be insensitive to pain, deaf, blind, and lack an entire portion of its brain. As in, its brain is exposed.

Granted its rare, but I know for a fact anencephaly is not the only congenital defect, fetal defect, or medical reason for abortion. I'm not saying those women have to get abortions, but they should have the choice.

Only about 1 in 250,000 babies have anencephaly and are actually born.

Wow this is really opinionated in comparison to my other posts.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRO HEADED CHILD

:)
So I was at school briefly today. Blach. I have so much work to make up, its insane. And BIG SURPRISE. KID CUDI EXPLODED. I would just like to say, I totally found him 8 months ago. KEEP THAT IN MIND TEENAGE DOPPELGANGERS.
OH SHIT HOUSE IS ON TONIGHT.
Welbutrin is my new best friend.
AND GINGER.
HOW DO YOU HAVE A LUMP NAMED LEON? WHY WAS I NOT NOTIFIED?

MARISSA FREAKING FRITZ

Are you okay?

I have returned

Mursie dear, I would like to hear from you.
And you as well Ginger. And from you wifey.

I'm leaving for a while

Hello all. I shall be going away for a few days. No need to be alarmed (not that you were, but that is why I was not in classes today and may not be for a few more days).

I'M BACK

And totally, completely unprepared to face the world. BIG SURPRISE THERE.

Okay so I have this thing.

Let's call it Pooja's Insanity. Or Sanity. Because honestly I have no idea what it is. It, let's just say, polarizes me. Sometimes I think I'm so sane, I function perfectly. But other times I'm insane. In between I hate living. It sounds bad, but it gets wickkkked awesome when I start cycling. Well wicked while it lasts. But DONE WITH THE RAMBLING.

My insanity/sanity has totally altered the way my brain works. And it scares me. Because now I don't know how my brain works. I used to know what I liked, how I think, what pleases me. I can't read a book page and remember what happened. And that scares me so, so much. I love books, they are my escape, and now I can't do it. I don't know myself. Everyday I'm changing, whether its for the better or the worse, I do not know.

None of that was coherent.

MANY MUSICS

Green Go
They are REALLY, REALLY good. (Fro headed child, you will enjoy them)
http://www.myspace.com/greengomusic
Of course, they are so obscure no videos are on youtube.
OH AND MAYBE SMITH. He sounds like Chris Martin from Coldplay.
http://www.myspace.com/maybesmith
He's also fun to look at.
Oh and PINSTRIPE. They are Scottish. And win.
I shall be going to the sister's abode in Philly. I feel super awkward because its only been two weeks since my my family viciously attacked me. Lordy.
WHAT IS LOVE IS PLAYING FROM MY LAPTOP.
I MUST DANCE TO IT
*gratuitious dance moves in conjunction with power fists*
YES. YES. YES.
Yesterday my fork got caught in the garbage disposal. I laughed and proceeded to Yes Dance.

Right now things are pink. Thulian Pink. With ;anguid lavendar. (I have a book of colors which i consult to find these fitting names.)

Today, I felt...wait for it.........PRETTY

Today, for the first time in a very, very long time, I felt PRETTY. That's not saying that I think I'm actually aesthetically pleasing. But as Cara, the fro headed child, dictated, beauty is an emotion. I felt, dare I say it, bubbly. I've started doing yoga hardcore again. I've been doing atleast an hour a day and it feels damn good.

I'm thinking of getting our friends together and doing yoga. See, the medicine chooses to work sometimes. I get rushes of energy sometimes. I feel perfect and on a high sometimes. Why? That's my brain chemistry. But yoga works everytime. It gives me a lot of real happiness.

Kashmir and Awesome Guitar Riffs

As I sit in my bedroom, pensively listening to the peacock blue Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, I realize that it is Easter Weekend. Bizarre. I wish I knew Indian holidays. I only know them from what my parents tell me and I never know the dates or times. I hate that I have a deeper connection with Christianity than with my own faith. I love being Hindu. It make me insanely happy and when I can take part in it, I feel good. Happy. Happy.Happy means a lot to me. It's green. Celadon maybe.

It's rainy today so I left my windows open. It stopped raining though :(.

Seven Nation Army.....man that is a sick guitar riff. It sounds like a bass guitar but I know its not...Remind me to figure out what the hell Jack White is playing here. I hear a whammy bar....that's about it.

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost

I have done absoulutely so work whatsoever.....
Let's play a fun little game, shall we?
Now imagine a beautiful little demon child. GOOD. Now imagine a pair of hopelessly bewildered middle aged persons. Now imagine them as a group totally and utterly ostracizing another person. Let's say this person is very difficult to deal with. Constantly hurt, sad, confused, annoying. The color: none. This person's life, right now, has no color. How does one go about getting color when the demon child and the odd couple walk around with giant erasers on their heads?

My Colors (Marissa still has more colors than I)

I find I am drawn to things because of colors. When I describe things, I describe colors. I love describing in general.
The coffee table:
deliciously cherry brown lacquered with some foreign sap of an exotic tree, lined with cocoa brown swirls, adorned with the occasional ring from a long forgotten cup of coffee

Now, granted that may be the WORST description ever ( I didn't say I was good.) but I enjoyed doing it. That counts, right? Everything has a color. Even voices, personalities. Marissa, to me you are a carribean blue. You know that blue that isn't really blue, but this tango between the clearest green in the whole world and the deepest cerulean in the ocean. But minus the transparency. But at the same time, I see you tinged with a peach with blush pink run through. But your mind, is definitely carribean blue, flowy and beautiful and creative. I'm not sure why I do this. (See, in my mind you also have many colors).

When I said I wanted to be a journalist, I was really drawn to the color of the occupation. Black coffee spilling over a corrugated cardboard heat protector on a crummy paper cup, shiny chrome door handles, skyscraper stillettos, typewriters clacking (yes, clacking), and ink smears in an awkward indigo violet so dark and so easily tranferred. The color of this is blue grey. It just IS. DAMMIT. It makes sense to me. In my head...Like I said though, I should just not talk.

I could be a zookeeper. That color is chartreuse, embossed with some celadon tinted leaf designs.

My doctor said it's normal that I have colors for things. I haven't really shared that I have colors for things but he said it may help if I start. I have colors for everything, so whenever I mention things, I will probably mention their colors. So I'm very content coloring things in my world. But I have a name for what I am:
chromaphile :)
That makes me feel butter yellow, with a hint of jade.
It also explain why I love makeup so much.

Break

WE HAS BREAK IN 15 MINUTES.
SHIT SON.
Well actually, it's a semi break that entails lots and lots and lots of work.
Whoohoo!

Sometimes, I should just not talk

I end up making myself sound like a total and complete idiot. So much for that...
Things sound better in my head anyway. And nobody judges me there. Well actually, I judge myself, but I can deal with my own judgments. Other people's....not so much. It's too much to carry. It's too hard to try and impress people. i like my head. Things make sense. To me, if not to my teachers or friends. And I'm pretty sure what I TRY and say comes out idiotic and poorly thought out. Well screw it. Who needs people? I have a head. With colors and pretty things and my thoughts and Yann Tiersen's piano music.

I talk a lot. I know, SHOCKER. I wish I didn't. Maybe it's because what's going on in my brain is so awesome and beautiful and I want people to see. I want people to see the colors I see and hear the sounds I do. Because they are wonderful. Because the real colors and the real sounds aren't nearly as pretty. It's sort of like, HEY IT'S COOL IN MY BRAIN. NOT TO BE COCKY...BUT NOW I SHALL TRY TO VERBALIZE. That's why I tell stories and dominate conversations. That is also why I am incredibly difficult to deal with. Also, half the time I try and vocalize a concept I have going in my head, it pops out really stupid and not deep and just BAD.

In any case, I don't let myself hear what's going on in other people's heads. I should. I should just not talk. People appreciate quiet people. It may also be because I very scared of it getting too quiet. I'm scared that one day it'll get quiet and it'll just be me and my head. And I'll be judged and hear those awful things. It's your fault. What's my fault? The point exactly. It's this inexplicable feeling of worthlessness. It's because when I'm quiet, truly quiet, I feel worthless. When I go home, before bed, I don't talk. I sit. And sometimes do nothing. And I feel worthless. So world, there it is. That's why I talk. Because my head is perfect, and that's the very reason why it tells me I'm worthless. I can't find my happiness in my reality, but in my brain. And that in itself is pathetic. That probably makes no sense. (verbalize FAIL)

Overall, I feel relieved to atleast figure out why the hell I talk so much. I thought about it while I didn't do history. Whoo.

With or Without You/I can't live, With or without you/ And you give yourself away

THERE WAS NO YOGURT IN THE CAFETERIA.
AH.
ALARMEDNESS.
Has someone ever told you something sad and you feel unbelivably awkward? It's like, I pity you, but what now....*Awkward face*
*Inches toward exit in the most sympathetic manner possible*

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

Indeed. Quite true seeing my current thoughts. I feel awkward. And I mean that is every possible sense of the word. Imagine being in a room with someone really cool. You really just want to talk to this person but they brutally rebuff you and proceed to speak to everyone but you. Whatever feeling that would be present in you at that moment is present in me right now. I have no idea why....

Noms and Brothers in law

I ate some nommy Taco Bell. Also, DAYUM girl 60,000 words! (envy) I present to you the ancient Embrace the Martian a Kid Cudi
Ignore the bizarre video


Of course, the equally ancient Day n' Nite


AND FINALLY, A VIDEO FOR "WELCOME TO HEARTBREAK"
I can't embed the video, but here is the song alone.


Kanye, what the fuck is Robocop? It's a fail....

Today we are going to visit the elder sister and brother in law. After being viciously attacked by my family at large last week, that will be awkward. Whooo. I'm just happy to go the city. I hate the suburbs. They are awkward. It's like GODDAMN YOU SLICE OF UNDECISIVE LAND, PICK YOUR LOYALTY, RURAL OR URBAN. STOP TORTURING HUMANITY WITH YOUR AWKWARD LOVE CHILD SUBURBIA.

Things like this keep me going

Mohammed Ali Jinnah, Pakistani Muslim and Mohandas Gandhi, Indian Hindu

Gratuitous Freddie Mercury and David Bowie time



Yes, that is BABY FREDDIE.


ANDDDD for shits and giggles: