Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sometimes, I should just not talk

I end up making myself sound like a total and complete idiot. So much for that...
Things sound better in my head anyway. And nobody judges me there. Well actually, I judge myself, but I can deal with my own judgments. Other people's....not so much. It's too much to carry. It's too hard to try and impress people. i like my head. Things make sense. To me, if not to my teachers or friends. And I'm pretty sure what I TRY and say comes out idiotic and poorly thought out. Well screw it. Who needs people? I have a head. With colors and pretty things and my thoughts and Yann Tiersen's piano music.

I talk a lot. I know, SHOCKER. I wish I didn't. Maybe it's because what's going on in my brain is so awesome and beautiful and I want people to see. I want people to see the colors I see and hear the sounds I do. Because they are wonderful. Because the real colors and the real sounds aren't nearly as pretty. It's sort of like, HEY IT'S COOL IN MY BRAIN. NOT TO BE COCKY...BUT NOW I SHALL TRY TO VERBALIZE. That's why I tell stories and dominate conversations. That is also why I am incredibly difficult to deal with. Also, half the time I try and vocalize a concept I have going in my head, it pops out really stupid and not deep and just BAD.

In any case, I don't let myself hear what's going on in other people's heads. I should. I should just not talk. People appreciate quiet people. It may also be because I very scared of it getting too quiet. I'm scared that one day it'll get quiet and it'll just be me and my head. And I'll be judged and hear those awful things. It's your fault. What's my fault? The point exactly. It's this inexplicable feeling of worthlessness. It's because when I'm quiet, truly quiet, I feel worthless. When I go home, before bed, I don't talk. I sit. And sometimes do nothing. And I feel worthless. So world, there it is. That's why I talk. Because my head is perfect, and that's the very reason why it tells me I'm worthless. I can't find my happiness in my reality, but in my brain. And that in itself is pathetic. That probably makes no sense. (verbalize FAIL)

Overall, I feel relieved to atleast figure out why the hell I talk so much. I thought about it while I didn't do history. Whoo.

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